For our new flat, our employers have been asked to give a reference.

Here’s mine. Paul likes to brighten up people’s days, so instead of a boring form letter:

I’m seriously considering packing this diet in.

I feel more and more tired and lethargic each week. Last weeekend fell asleep whilst with my father and some friends.
Have knocked the wlaking and weights on the head, but still spend most evenings this week fighting to keep eyes open, and if I go to bed before bedtime, I wake up early and just get tired earlier. Fell alseep at work Friday. Am not doing anything except for work; can’t summon energy to do much more than sit on a bus to get parts for a Freeview box.

I am the only person Lisa knows who can manage to be asleep standing up. It’s a great altered state of conciousness, like… hmm was going to use hypnogogic but that doesn’t fit. It’s like dreaming whilst awake.

Anyway, I’m getting sick of all this. It’s not the hunger, or even the food packs, it’s the lethargy.

I even had a chicken from the shop downstairs in a bid to get some energy. It didn’t work. It may well be me “getting a food fix” and justifying it, but I wasn’t hungry, I wanted some energy from the “cleanest” source possible (i.e. Atkins-style protein, not chips, chocolate, etc.). It made sense at the time. I remember thinking “I’m not being stupid in this am I? No, this is the least worst option to take a calculated risk to help with you stopping from being able to live life.”  It didn’t work and I know better now.

However I know that everyone would be disappointed in me if I packed this in. And I have to view it as a tradeoff. Two months from now, which would be better; that I’ve lost another two stone, or that I gave up and hadn’t (& probably put some back on)?

What about stopping would two months from now be more worth it than losing the weight? I don’t have an answer.

I should be getting all my nutrients from the food packs. So why am I so tired? I used to have a lot of energy at first on this. My weekly group leader/”food counsellor”doesn’t know. I suspect that as I’m losing weight quite fast, I might have a high metabolic rate for some reason, and that means that I am ‘running empty’ faster than my body can supply energy from my fat reserves. It doesn’t make much sense I know, but it’s the best explanation I have.

I’ll see how it goes tonight at the weigh-in.